the_central_library | Video

[Clara has been keeping a low profile lately, but she gives a tired smile to this. A small wave given to the video]

Hi Sebastian. It's Clara. I don't think it's a silly idea at all! it's actually a pretty darn good idea. Something that could help boost moods as well. A nice large meal for everyone to enjoy at once. Honestly, it's a good idea to get to know everyone as well.

I'm all for this.

[Sebastian is clearly surprised he received a response. It makes him smile a little shyly because he's never done anything this sociable before. Which is why he wanted to try. It was too easy to keep hiding, to push people away, to ignore the elephant in the room so to speak. He had a lot of practice so for him it was easy.]

"Hello, Clara. I'm really happy you think so. I wasn't sure how to go about arranging things. My mother always managed parties and dinners."

[So he was hoping someone might have some ideas.]

[Clara is a friendly sort. Or tries to be at least.]

"Hmm, well this is a good start. See if anyone would be interested, which I am, so that's one at least. Perhaps ask around as well. In person, I mean, as I don't know how many people actually pay attention to this network."

"Since it's just an idea of a get together with everyone, maybe we can ask around to see if anyone cooks. Or if maybe everyone should bring one thing they can cook, so no one person has too big a job to do. Can't hurt to ask the Librarians for their thoughts on all this too. They might have a brilliant idea or talent for it."

[In person? In person seemed so much more difficult than a video.]

"Perhaps we could make invitations and leave them on everyone's door. I could talk to the Cat about how to arrange for food and space. I'd like to have music, but I don't think we have anything available."

[In person wasn't too bad. You just had to walk up to them, say hello and hope it went from there!]

"Ooh! Yess! That's a fun idea. And very inviting, actually. And considering most all of us live in the dorm area anyhow, it means you wont have to hunt down too many people. Just write up a lovely invite or flyer and slip one under each door. Seems reasonable. You can even leave a note directing them to look at this video post, if that would help. Either way, great idea."

"As for music, maybe ask around if anyone plays anything? It would be pretty fantastic if we could encourage people to come share their talents too. Like a real 'getting to know you' kind of thing. Can't hurt. Me? I'm rubbish with music, so i'm out, but it'd be fun, right?"

[In person was not something he did well. But he was trying to be better.]

"I can try to find some nice paper, but I didn't come here with an instrument. Do you think someone else might have brought theirs? Or perhaps the Librarians know where we can find instruments."

[If he could go through a portal and go on a shopping trip somewhere he could bring back the things they needed.]

[talking to Clara was a good start.]

"There has to be some reasonable paper around here. And even if it's not nice we can make it nice. If it's too white we can age it a bit, tatter and burn it even. Roll it up with string and make it look cute. or find some wax to seal them with. Something different."

"Oh, maybe. And if not, maybe we can find something in a Market Place. I'll be willing to look as well. Wait, do you play?"

"You're very creative, Clara."

[Sebastian really liked that idea. Invitations that were personalized a bit or creatively done were always nice. His mother always added a personal touch to hers even if she did have them printed professionally.

The question made him blush a bit.]

"I do. I'm a...I'm a cellist."

"Oh, sometimes!" [She said, not modest at all, grinning actually.] "I can help, if you like. We wouldn't even need to put names on them, so that will be easier, but they'd look thoughtful, right?"

[Aww, he's so bashful. cute.]

"Ooo! A cellist! Now that is brilliant. Maybe you can ask the librarian if there is a music section around. Of if they can let you barrow one for a bit?"

"Can't hurt to ask, right?"

[Clara was bright and seemed to have an energy about her that made Sebastian want to smile and be light energy, too. If that made any sense. He wasn't sure it did. But he liked her and that was what was important.]

"Thoughtful is good. Do you think the Librarians will mind a dinner party? I should find the Cat and ask. I don't think there is a music room here."

[He'd been all over and hadn't seen one. Maybe it was hiding. Like a secret room. That didn't make much sense he thought frowning a bit at the thought.]

[ Have a Casey appearing on screen Sebastian, with a grin.]

'Sup Bookworm. You didn't tell me you were in New York before.

[ Because that is clearly what is most important in this conversation. Casey's head tilts to the side, still grinning.]

Would we have to dress up? I mean, I'm all for the idea of getting us all together, especially sharing food. These last few weeks were...rough.

[Raking a hand through his bangs, not dislodging the bandanna.]

Not that some totally metal stuff didn't happen but really the ghosts and the nightmares were way not cool. It'd be good to know who everyone is, too, and yeah---that we're not alone.

"I don't think it's the same New York."

[Especially after having seen Casey's nightmare for himself.]

"And, no, you wouldn't have to dress up. It's not a formal dinner."

[Rough didn't seem like a big enough word to describe it, but he understood Casey's meaning very well. He still had the healing bruises. But when they were gone there would still be more healing. But the nightmares had made him want to do this. Have this dinner.]

"We're not alone and we survived. I think it's important to remember that."

[He smiled at Casey, not sure he understood.]

"Metal stuff?"

"So? Does it matter that much if it's the same? I'm familiar with the idea of other dimensions, dude."

[Sorry Sebastian, but Casey's familiar with that idea. He still thinks it's neat the other went to New York. It's his home turf, thanks.]

Some of the stuff we dealt with, with those ghosts and nightmares, were totally metal.

[Casey tilted his head, expression studying Sebastian.]

You know, like heavy-metal? Cool? Hardcore?

[Alec can't help smiling when he sees the change in Sebastian. Part of him wonders if it's because of helping at the Library or what they'd faced during the nightmare. He hopes that both are part of that new-found confidence. Something good should happen because of that nightmare.

Too bad it'd hit a little too close to home for Alec before he'd managed to wake up.

Not that it showed as he set the bookmark to private and set the device so that he could be seen.]

It's not a silly idea. It's a thoughtful one but you're going to have to tell me what Mundanes do for Thanksgiving. I've only been to one Thanksgiving dinner and it was weird.

[Alec! The smile and the blush are enough he doesn't really have to say Alec's name to express how happy he is to see him. But he hasn't forgotten what happened or what Alec saw and heard. Nor has he forgotten what he saw and heard. He's still healing from it all. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. He's done a lot of hiding amongst the books and in his room, wanting to give Alec time.

That's where he thought of the idea of a dinner. Because he was tired of hiding.]

"Thanksgiving as I knew it was family getting together for dinner. The idea was to focus on what you were thankful for. There is a history lesson involved, but basically it's sharing food with people. Friends and family. I thought it might be something-"

[He's rambling again he realizes, biting his bottom lip and taking a deep breath.]

"How was it weird?"

[Alec still isn't quite sure how to deal with what the demon had said to him. Most of it had hurt but not enough to shake his confidence. It was the comment about his father that had done the most damage. He still hasn't accepted or forgiven his father's actions and the idea that he might be following the same path is disturbing.

Except he cares for Sebastian and he doubts that Robert really cared about those around him. At least not in the way that they had all assumed.

He hadn't exactly been hiding but he'd been putting more energy into weapons practice and hunting that had been necessary, waiting for everything to settle down for everyone.]

"Shadowhunters really don't have holidays. Or if they did, my family never participated. We were exiles."

[It sounded strange since they had lived in the middle of New York, but the youngest Lightwoods had rarely been invited to the other Institutes or to Idris. Max had gone a few times but not the rest of them.]

"We celebrate Christmas but that's the only Mundane holiday we really celebrate. A friend of ours insisted that we have Thanksgiving."

[Pausing, he gives Sebastian a wry smile.]

I don't think most Thanksgiving dinners have Shadowhunters, a vampire, and a couple of werewolves as guests.

[There had also been the absence of someone there but Alec hopes that Sebastian doesn't pick out which type of Downworlder hadn't been there.]

"I don't think most Thanksgiving dinners have people from different Universes either."

[Sebastian suddenly wanted to give Alec Holidays. Alec and Magnus. Something to celebrate being alive and finally being together without judgement or expectations. Something good and happy.]

"I would have liked to have met your friends."

[It would have been nice to have friends like that he thought and then realized he was missing Alec and talking to him about his world and his life. But he couldn't forget the nightmare they shared either. It always caused a sharp painful ache to spread across his chest.]

"Are you...how are you, Alec?"

"Most Thanksgivings don't happen in places where you can move from one universe to another."

[It's still something Alec's getting used to but Alec likes it here despite his doubts. He still wonders if Magnus is happy or if he'd rather be back in New York and have his magic again.]

"I think some of them would drive you crazy. Jace is... I'd probably have to smack him a few times before he remembered not to call you Mundie. But I'd like you to meet him and Izzy."

[He's worried about them both and Simon. Clary is probably safe since she has Jace training her and enough power to get out of most situations. But his siblings are still dealing with the fallout of everything that had happened.]

"I'm..."

[He almost says okay since it's habit. Hide his emotional problems because he needs to be the big brother. But he isn't Sebastian's big brother and he had heard what the demon had said to Alec.]

"I'm dealing. Most of what the demon said was lies. It was the last thing, about my father that's the problem.

"Are you okay? The demon didn't... I got there in time?"

"You're not your father. I don't know him, but I know you. Maybe not as well I'd like."

[Sebastian blushed and fidgeted a bit, nearly dropping his bookmark.]

"I'm sorry. I know that...it's okay if you...if you don't...I'm okay. I'm healing."

[He gestured to his face where the blue and black had turned yellow and sort of green. His lip was mostly healed already and it still hurt to move certain ways when getting out of bed or lifting books up over his head. He was more worried about Alec and Magnus and the voice in his head telling him how selfish he was.]

"I don't think the demon was interested in the same things Christian Scott had been."

"You didn't say anything wrong, Sebastian. I want to get to know you better too. Are you sure I'm not like him?"

[It's something he couldn't really bring himself to say to Magnus since he had known Robert. One of the strange things about having an immortal boyfriend. He had seen Robert when he was Alec's age.]

"There's some things in both our pasts that are the same. I could be more like Robert than I thought."

[The bruises don't look as bad as the type that Alec's used to. Bruises and cuts are a normal part of his family's life but there could be more than just bruises. Injuries that Alec can't see. Since Sebastian had acted like he was physically okay, Alec had given him space, assuming that he needed it to deal with the nightmare. Now he wondered if there was something worse.

At the idea of what Christian might have been interested in, Alec pales, eyes bright with anger.]

"He..."

[He stops himself before he says too much or something that might accidentally hurt Sebastian. If he wants Alec to know more then he will tell him. It's not something he should ask.]

"You know I'll do everything I can to make sure no one hurts you again."

"You are not him, Alec. I look more like my father than my mother and she says we are similar in a lot of ways in personality, but I am not him. And neither are you like your father in all the ways that matter. You make different choices because you care about people."

[Sebastian believed what he was saying he didn't hesitate, didn't shy away, didn't stop looking at Alec on his little screen. He wanted to see him. Talk to him in person, but he wasn't sure if he should ask for that yet.]

"I know you will."

[He did. Just like Jack had tried to protect him.]

"I was hoping, maybe, you could show me how...how to defend myself better. And I...would it be too much to ask to see you? I'll understand if you need more time or...but you're not like your father, Alec."

[This time there is a stubbornness in his expression. And sadness. A little anxious fear.

"I don't know. I didn't think I was but now I can't help wondering. Some things in his past could have happened to me and he..."

[He didn't honor his vows, but Alec can't say that. Not when things are so tangled up with Magnus and Sebastian. Except Robert had never really allowed himself to care for people the way Alec did. At least not until Robert had almost lost all of his children.]

"I can show you. I used to teach my brother and sometimes I teach the younger Shadowhunters."

[Jace and Izzy went to the Academy more than Alec did. He was too busy keeping things stable in New York to teach regularly but he did give lessons occasionally.]

"Sebastian, you never have to ask to see me. I wanted to visit you earlier but I didn't know how you were after the nightmare. We both seemed to need time to sort out what happened so I didn't contact you sooner."

[He hopes that Sebastian's right but it's not something he can be sure of. Not yet.]

"My father cheated on my mother. He was planning to leave her but she was pregnant and then there were three of us and they adopted Jace. There are other things in my life that are like what happened to him. It's hard not to think that I'm more like him than I want to be."

"He cheated, Alec. He lied and he thought he loved someone more than your mother. Enough to leave her. That is not you."

[His voice breaks on the last part because he believes it with his whole heart. Just like he believes he might be doing something wrong.]

"You love Magnus. You don't lie. You're not cheating. You've been honest and open and...and as far as I know Magnus isn't pregnant, so..."

[Even with the teasing his emotions are at war. He wants Alec to be in his life. But what he wants may not be the best for Alec if he thinks he's just like his father for having a heart big enough to care about more than one person.]

"He didn't love the woman he cheated on my mother with. I don't know why he did it. I don't think he knows either. Maybe to prove himself in some way."

[Alec suspects that Robert did it to prove that he wasn't bisexual but that's not a conversation he ever wants to have with his father. It was bad enough to have to deal with Robert's excuses for treating him like he was less. He didn't want to deal with Robert's possible feelings for men.

He feels bad for making Sebastian have to deal with this too but he had heard the demon's taunts. He knows that Alec is attracted to him and cares. He can't lie or cover up things that might be important later.

The comment about Magnus being pregnant gets a snort of laughter that Alec can't hide.]

"Even if guys getting pregnant was possible in my reality, warlocks can't have children. No, I haven't been lying. Not since Magnus and I fixed things months ago."

"That's even worse."

[Leaving a person you were suppose to love and be committed to for nothing. And to prove what? It was horrible to imagine anyone being that heartless. Even if father, who could be stubborn jerk, loved his mother absolutely.]

"Alec. Even if there are similarities you're already a better man than your father ever was or could be."

[He meant that sincerely.]

"It is. He hurt all of us because of... I don't know why."

[He had his suspicious. Just like he had suspicious about why Robert had said so many things about Alec being gay instead of accepting it like Maryse had.]

"That's what he said when he finally told me about the affair and some of the other things he did. He said I was a good man."

[Not a good Shadowhunter. Alec had proven that to the entire Clave when they'd returned from Edom. He had said that Alec was a good person which had meant more to him than any praise over his fighting abilities. But he still doubts now that the accusation had been made, which was why demons said such things.]

"I'm sorry that you had to hear what the demon said. You have enough to deal with from that nightmare without my family issues being dragged into it."

"When I said I wanted to know you I didn't mean only the good parts of you. And the good parts are pretty good."

[He bit back a smile, lip caught between his teeth, looking shy about what he'd just said. When he was sure he could continue without being a complete dork about how he felt about Alec he added much more seriously than he'd meant to:]

"What that demon said...it wanted you to doubt yourself. I even doubt myself because of it. I want...I want to follow my heart, but I don't want to hurt you. And...I'm used to doing what is expected of me. What is right for everyone else. So it's easy for me to say you do what you have to for you to be happy. Even if that means telling me this can't work. But every part of me is screaming 'be selfish' just this once. Don't...don't let me go. So I'm not really sure what the right thing to do is. I just know...you are a good man, Alec."

[When he was finished he was sort of stunned by how honest he'd been. And how selfish he'd sounded. But it all had just come tumbling out of his mouth and he couldn't stop.]

"I haven't told you all the bad parts, but I'm glad that you don't judge me by them. Nephilim have done terrible things in the past and I made some stupid mistakes that I still regret."

[But Sebastian isn't one of them. He might doubt but he knows Sebastian is right. Robert hadn't loved anyone. Not the way that he should have or he never would have hurt Maryse or his children. Or Michael.

The thought of what Robert sickens him, especially since he had once been in similar place as Michael. No Shadowhunter should ever do such a thing to his parabatai.]

"The good parts of you are pretty good too. All those things I said about you being a hero. They're true. You might need to learn how to fight but there's more to saving people than knowing how to use a weapon."

[Sebastian is saving him from the doubt. Keeping him from drowning in the past and the wrongs that could easily weigh him down and break him. The fact that Sebastian looks both adorable and sexy while trying not to smile helps with that.]

"I want both of us to follow our hearts. It's not... Love's not wrong. I know that now. I don't care what the rules say. According to the rules, I can't be gay and I can't date anyone who isn't Nephilim. It's stupid and people have been twisting the rules around to cater to what they want."

[For a few seconds, he stares at Sebastian, realizing what he'd implied. But it feels right. Maybe not yet. It might not be love but he cares deeply. Sebastian has become one of the people that mean the most to him and he's not going to pretend that's not true.]

"Once, someone compared me to one of my ancestors. That side of my family loves deeply and we can be selfish in that love. At least to others it seems selfish. We do foolish, reckless things for love. He loved two people so deeply..."

[There really were no words for it but Alec had understood it when Magnus had told him about Will. He could easily see how that sort of love could build between people. Will hadn't loved one less to than the other and he wouldn't have given up one to have the other.]

"The rules tell us we can only love one person at a time. He didn't let the rules decide who he loved and I'm not going to let the rules decide that for me. I'm not letting you go, Sebastian, and I'm not going to do what society says is the right thing when I know it's wrong."

[Sebastian wanted to say everyone had regrets, it was how they learned to live with them that mattered. It was what they learned from those regrets that mattered most. What he had learned from Jack was to not be afraid to feel, to love, to open himself up to others despite his fear. He'd forgotten that when Jack had died.

He'd been so lost and hopeless and alone and angry. He had also felt guilty and regretted not simply being with Jack and loving Jack every moment they had together regardless of other's opinions.

He wanted to say he wasn't a hero, but Alec was right. He did have some things to learn.

But Alec has him staring, unable to say anything in response. His thoughts turning over Alec's words. He would assume Alec means Magnus when he mentions the rules, but there is something about the way Alec says he wants them both to follow their hearts. And then he's telling him about his family and love and loving deeply and loving two people.

Alec isn't letting him go.

He doesn't even realize he's crying, just a few drops of tears, until his vision blurs and he quickly ducks his head and rubs at his face with his sleeve.]

"Alec."

[It's the only thing he can say right then he's so happy and relieved.]

[Alec isn't sure how Sebastian is going to react to what he needed to say. He hadn't even been sure what he was going to say until the words spilled out and he remembered Will and what others had said about the Herondales. Loving completely and at times selfishly. But it isn't selfish if Alec cared about those around him and what they wanted.

Which is why when he sees Sebastian starting to tear up, his heart clenches painfully. He'd said the wrong thing. Sebastian hadn't wanted to hear about Alec loving two people. Sebastian probably believed that it was wrong. That Alec should give up one to have the other. It didn't matter that not loving Magnus would break some important part of him. He'd hurt Sebastian with his honesty no matter his intention.]

"Sebastian, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd take it back but it's true and I can't change that."

[Sebastian shook his head, tried not to cry even more than he already was. He didn't want his voice to break or to have Alec see him looking so pathetic so he found the simplest way of telling him he wasn't hurt.]

"I like you, like you, Alec."

[He really wished they weren't having this conversation so far apart from each other. But maybe it was best. Alec had needed time and maybe he still needed time. He was also realizing he hadn't really dealt with his part of the nightmares or how much he had been worried about Alec until now. Seeing Alec had made him so happy and he wanted to feel like that again.]

"Very much."

"You like me, like me."

[Despite his worries, he can't help smiling at that. It was how Izzy had described Magnus' feelings for him. It sounded silly but it was also right and reassuring for Alec.]

"I like you like you too, Sebastian."

[It still worries him that Sebastian looked like he was going to continue crying. Love isn't easy and after what had happened in the nightmare, this couldn't be easy for Sebastian. The mundane mocking Sebastian about Jack's death and forcing him to relieve something terrible that Alec didn't want to consider. There also had to be doubts because of what Magnus' father had said. If Alec could check on Sebastian he'd at least know if he was okay.]

"Sebastian, if you want we could talk without the bookmarks."

"Please?"

[He hadn't meant it to come out sounding almost desperate, but it was easier sometimes to say things from a distance. The way he'd told Jack he wouldn't be coming back to school and had completely avoided mentioning what his father had said to him. He'd said goodbye and hadn't meant it.

Thankfully Jack hadn't accepted the goodbye and had shown up at his house a few months later.]

"I won't cry on you, I promise."

[The fear that had tightening his chest eases when Sebastian says that he wants to see him. Even knowing that Sebastian liked him couldn't quite keep doubt away. The nightmare had damaged them both and love didn't always mean that you wanted to be near someone.

But Sebastian wanted to see him. Giving him a small smile, Alec brushed his hair out of his eyes.]

You can cry on me. I don't mind. Where would you like to meet?

[That got a smile out of him.]

"Can you meet me here in the Atrium?"

[Then maybe they could go somewhere more private to talk. If Alec didn't mind being alone with him.]

"I can be there in a few minutes."

[That probably sounded too eager but he'd missed Sebastian. He'd been so caught up in the demon's lies that he hadn't realized how much until he'd started talking to Sebastian again.]

"Okay."

[Sebastian ended the video and looked around at the Atrium. They might be able to have a party here and he could imagine everyone gathered here, talking and making new connections. It felt like a very good thing if it worked out. But more importantly Alec was coming here to talk to him.

It seemed almost strange to be looking forward to good things happening. As if he had forgotten what it was like to be happy. And he couldn't help thinking this is what Jack would have wanted for him.

He found a place to sit down and wait. Maybe he would cry on Alec. For a moment. He was feeling a lot overwhelmed at the moment.]

[Turning off the bookmark, Alec checked his weapons before leaving the area where he'd been sorting books. Jogging toward the atrium, he tried to ignore the sudden burst of nervousness that had him wanting to run at full speed.

He kept his pace steady, telling himself that he was acting ridiculous. If he wasn't careful, he'd trip over his own feet like he had on his first date with Magnus.

The thought of his boyfriend worried him for a moment but Magnus liked Sebastian. He'd been the one to tell him about Will. He knew what was going on and had been encouraging.

Shaking off his worries, he paused at the door of the atrium, scanning the space for any possible threats, he grinned when he saw Sebastian. Entering the space, he moved toward Sebastian, sitting down beside his friend.]

"Did I say too much over the bookmark?"

[Sebastian smiled and dried his face again before looking at Alec.]

"You never say too much."

[He leaned, just a little, touching his shoulder to Alec's.]

"I'm really glad you came."

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